Sports

Penalty Shouts: MLB

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

The Los Angeles City Council wanted to win the World Series. The Council’s favorite team, the Los Angeles Dodgers, lost the World Series in 2017 to the Houston Astros, and again in 2018 to the Boston Red Sox. They were disappointed when the Dodgers lost, but, like most fans, they were going to accept it.

However, the angry fans turned conspiracy theorists turned out to be right. The Astros cheated during their World Series-winning 2017 season with illegal video surveillance of other teams, and the manager of the Red Sox, then with the Astros, turned out to be a central figure in that scheme. This inspired the Los Angeles City Council to ask the MLB to award both titles to the Dodgers. They were inspired by the magical organization that is the NCAA, where titles are erased from history in the name of integrity and athletes go hungry after earning their coaches millions. With the NCAA’s precedent, the City Council set out to ask the MLB to award the World Series to the Dodgers.

They braved dangerous wastes of online fans laughing at them. They ignored former Dodgers asserting they did not want a trophy they did not win. They persisted even though everyone said they would fail. The City Council almost quit, but then they saw Barry Bonds locked out of the Baseball Hall of Fame, and they remembered baseball was a game with integrity. One councilman reminded himself, “cheating is not the new norm.”

The City Council entered MLB headquarters with caution. Yankees fans glared at them as they filed in, still angry that their favorite team is good. The City Council passed the foreign players they promised signing bonuses to that would never be paid, the dozens of minor league teams abandoned by the MLB, and problematic team owners. Nothing would distract them from bringing home the World Series.

They finally reached Rob Manfred, the Major League Baseball Commissioner. Manfred’s office was dark to help him sleep with what he’s done. The City Council began its argument. They claimed the Astros did not earn their spot in the postseason and the World Series fairly, even if the cheating did not go on in the World Series. The Dodgers surely deserved the title instead of the cheating Astros who beat them. The Yankees fans whined that the cheating Astros beat them in 2017 too, but Manfred ignored it. Manfred listened patiently. After the City Council finished, Manfred shook his head: “it’s just a part of our tradition.”