Advice for awkward people

Dear Matt and Ryan,

There is one sound that no one knows: What does the fox say?

Sincerely,
Habitually About The Egregious Exaggerations Holding Opulence

Dear HATEE-HO

For the love of a bald and terrified mathematician, how should I know?

Speaking of which, if we examine W. Kroniker’s seminal work, entitled Smoothness on Co-Symmetric Right-Completely Null Paths, we will find every semi-characteristic, free, quasi-combinatorially canonical triangle is locally minimal. It is then trivial to show that the Riemann hypothesis holds, and that pi is smaller than e. By continuity, the sub-composite and quasi-almost surely differentiable path is isomorphic.

Recently, there has been much interest in the derivation of numbers, which is beyond the scope of this review. Therefore, in future work, we plan to address questions of naturality as well as neutrality.

It’s your karma,
Matt & Ryan

Dear Ryan and Matt,

OMIGAWD you guys are seriously so hot like even though I’ve never seen you in person I just like know you’re the ones, and I think we should like get together for drinks or something and you just see where it goes or whatever! Like I don’t even know how to explain myself, but it’s a total personality thing, you know? I can just like tell from your writing that you’re hilarious and so cute and amazingly charming and ugh! I mean you totally don’t have to feel pressured or anything, because that’s like the LAST thing I want, but ohmigod, if we could just hang out, I’m like 300% sure that we’ll hit it off, if only because you’re so sexy when you write advice.
So hit me up, fellas. I’m single and desperate to mingle.

Sincerely,
A Weird, Klutzy, WARDLY SMITTEN

Dear AWKWARDLY SMITTEN,

Uh … thanks. We guess.

Let’s … let’s just be friends,
Ryan & Matt