Advice for awkward people

Dear Matt and Ryan,

Did you know it’s no longer last Friday? I had no idea. I’ve been binge-watching the new season of House of Cards since the moment it came out. HAVE YOU SEEN IT? HOW CAN YOU WATCH THAT JUST ONCE. THE FIRST EPISODE JUST STARTS AND THEN [redacted for spoilers].

Sincerely,
[also redacted for spoilers]

Dear REDACTED,
So, we kind of lost you there and you didn’t really ask a question for us to answer. But you did mention how you “lost track of” this week. First order of business, email everyone. All of your professors, maybe your advisor too. Let them know what happened and hope they understand. Make up any of the work you missed. Get notes from your friends. No friends? Make some. Hopefully you didn’t miss anything terribly important, and you seem lucid now, so hopefully you’ve already started catching up.

The other problem that could arise is a fear that everyone you meet will eventually use and backstab you. And we can’t really help with that. If you start looking in shadows and staying indoors, you might want to seek help.

I mean, really, we probably aren’t out to get you. Probably.
Matt & Ryan

Dear Ryan and Matt,

YOU GUYS.
SUNLIGHT.
WARMTH.
IT’S HAPPENING. SPRING IS FINALLY HERE.
TIME TO PUT ON MAH BOOTY SHORTS AND PICK UP THE LADIES.

YEAH WARMTH,
Happy Emotions Readily Energize, Clear & Open Mind Especially Since The Heat Eradicated Snow, Umbrellas Nonessential

Dear HERECOMESTHESUN,
Slow down there, cowboy (or girl). You’re gonna scare this weather off! Finally, for the first time in far too long we have a couple of half-decent days and you have to go and get up in arms about it. We’re not out of the woods yet — spring doesn’t start until late March (after our spring break, ironically), so we’ve got a while until we can start expecting days like this all the time (or, at the very least, not entirely out of the realm of possibility). But that does mean we still have time to work on our spring booties and we can all pick up dem ladies. So get out there! Hit the gym! Do some yoga, some crunches and maybe go for a run while we can see pavement! Get off that couch now that you’re done watching the new season of House of Cards, and sculpt that bootay!

This message totally not brought to you by that Healthy Campus initiative,
Ryan & Matt