Advice for awkward people

Dear Ryan and Matt,

I came back to my apartment on Valentine’s Day to hear “Lady Marmalade” by Patti LaBelle on repeat blasting on my stereo. I live alone, and I don’t have a girlfriend, nor does anyone I know have a key. I have no idea what was going on. I’m as much a fan of asking girls to sleep with me in French as the next guy, but the whole experience really freaked me out. I thought ghosts were only supposed to show up on Halloween.

Reeling Over Manic Announcement, Never Convinced of Earthbound Demons

Seriously dude, you still have a stereo system? Was the song playing off a cassette tape? Questions aside, our only theory is close to yours: You might have a spurned ex-lover looking for revenge. By ex-lover, we mean — how to put this — an expired lover. You might want to contact the friends of all of your girls in the past to make sure they are okay. It might be a little awkward checking in with them so soon after Valentine’s Day, but you never know, at least one of their new boyfriends is bound to have screwed up, and they could be in a nostalgic kind of mood.

Blast the Ghostbusters theme when you leave the house just to be safe,
Matt & Ryan

Hey Matt and Ryan,

I met up with some friends for an anti-Valentine’s Day party on Friday night, and I had a great time. It started with the ice cream-eating contest, and the night quickly moved on to Mario Kart. After the video games, we went exploring, and got in deep trouble with scary guys stealing cars. At first, they took us under their wing, but then they betrayed us to the mob and left us all for dead. Ultimately, we worked our way up the criminal hierarchy, and now I want out.

Any advice?
Criminal Actor Robbing Jeeps, Advice Caused Kingpin

Are you sure you all weren’t so tired, dehydrated, and in such a sugar coma that you mistook the plot of Grand Theft Auto for real life? The story sounds a little too familiar — and unbelievable. Do we even have a mob in Pittsburgh? If you worked your way to the top of the food chain in a weekend, why hasn’t the news reported on the crime spree and the violence? We think if you want to get out of this life of crime, you should turn the console off, take a shower, and go to class.

If your story is true, it would make for a great Campus Crime and Incident report next week,
Ryan and Matt