Beck misunderstands America, religion, life

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“You’re going to see the spirit of God unleashed, unlike you have probably ever seen it before.” —Glenn Beck

Yes; this weekend God was unleashed on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. during Glenn Beck’s Restoring Honor rally. There may have been much liberal and comedic mocking in the lead-up to Saturday’s rally-for-the-history-books: Jon Stewart found it “totally plausible” that Beck unintentionally scheduled “Beckapalooza” on the same day and in the same place that Martin Luther King Jr. gave his “I Have A Dream” speech. Stephen Colbert nicknamed him the Mighty Morphin’ Power Martyr after showing clips of his comparisons to Gandhi and Jesus. Keith Olbermann asked if he would “part the reflecting pool.” Rev. Al Sharpton argued that this would “distort what Dr. King’s dream was about” — but then, wasn’t his dream really about all Americans, regardless if the color of their skin is closer to Beck’s? A.J. Calhoun at Salon hopes that Beck will find his place “soon enough, on the junk heap of history.”

But no — Glenn Beck’s place is not yet on the junk heap of history! On the historic Aug. 28 he stood several stairs below where Martin Luther King Jr. stood. He gathered together Albert Pujois, Alveda King, and even the goddess herself, Sarah Palin, to speak at his rally. He read the Gettysburg Address better than Lincoln ever could have. And he announced that today America is turning back to God.

Yes, soon we will have a country where every man believes in God. A country where nothing goes wrong, because we have God. A democracy that also has a king — God. A unified happy populace because prayer is all our people need. Atheists must leave, or be killed, or be filled with God’s love.

And then, as the crowd chanted in unison that Glenn Beck is the Son of God Himself, the reflecting pool became blood, every first-born in the crowd was smitten, and Sarah Palin was struck with and then cured of leprosy. This was the spirit of God released among the loyal Beck rally. They were fed with endless freedom fries and tea, healed of their alcoholism, and given the ability to speak in truths that were true regardless of facts or the lack of a high school education.

And as the crowd raised their voices to bellow “Amazing Grace,” Beck’s wings sprang forth, and he glided over the crowd, spreading his Mormon religion.

This was not a political gathering. This was 300,000 people being touched by God. The American God. The God that will save this country from that racist president who hates white culture. The God who knows that the Constitution doesn’t really want church and state to be so separate. Our God. (Don’t build that mosque.) Amen.