Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

**I got really drunk over Carnival and sent out a bunch of texts I shouldn’t have. I texted my exes, my friends, even my mom! What should I do? **


—Silly Lady Ordering Plenty of Premiums and Yuenglings


I’m glad to hear someone had a good time. Just be glad that the worst thing you did was send out a few drunk texts — things could have been a lot worse. First: texting your friends – not a big deal. Just blackmail them from the last time they got drunk. You know those photos you “deleted”? Now for your mom. Congratulations, she officially knows you drink. She’ll chew you out over the phone tomorrow. Just put her on speaker in the other room and do some homework.

Now for the exes. Were you sexting? (You can send me the details in private for more thorough advice.) I’m going to assume you don’t actually want to see your ex. So here’s what you should do: deny, deny, deny. Pull an Alberto Gonzalez — “I do not recall.” If he’s trying to restart something, ignore him. But if he’s persistent, just let him know: You were drunk and it was a mistake. You got rid of him once; you can do it again. Now the real problems come if you mixed up your texts. I can’t help you with that.

Hope you didn’t sext your mom,

—Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

My girlfriend keeps trying to get me to watch Twilight and New Moon with her. She always compares me to some dude named Edward. Who is this guy? And why is my girlfriend obsessed with vampires?

**Sincerely, **

—Running Out of Blood

Dear ROB,

Congrats, you’re dating a crazy person. Like most girls nowadays, she’s in love with vampires – specifically, Edward Cullen, the handsome star of the Twilight saga.

For some reason, girls everywhere are falling for pale, feminine-looking guys who “respect” them, “love” them, and “don’t pressure them for a physical relationship.”

Basically, it comes down to this — chicks dig six packs and glitter. (Yeah, vampires glitter now — Dracula is spinning in his grave.)

My advice: Hit up Skibo and the arts store. Do some sit-ups and use some craft supplies. Avoid direct sunlight. Make your hair look like you just stepped out of a wind tunnel.

Be “brooding.” Pay attention to her when she talks. Break into her house. You know, normal non-stalker-type stuff. Hey, it worked in the book.

I’m more of a Jacob man myself,

—Patrick Hoskins