Tepper launches new program for those in need

With an attitude of benevolence that seems out of character for a group of individuals raking in billions of dollars annually, the Tepper School of Business is now offering opportunities for those who are less fortunate.

In a recent press release, Tepper administrators announced that they would be sharing some of the money and good fortunes promised to Tepper students at admittance with other students at Carnegie Mellon whose futures may not be filled with country clubs and sweater vests.

Now, students in the College of Fine Arts and the College of Humanities and Social Sciences can find employment doing menial tasks such as shining shoes, tying ties, or arranging paperweights.
“We realized that, with the economic downturn, there are many students in need — and we at Tepper have the chance to help,” explained Tepper dean Kenneth B. Dunn. “Not all students have spacious offices waiting for them at graduation, but they can clean ours.”

Dunn stressed that, while the program is focusing on students graduating from CFA and H&SS, the positions will also be offered to others in need at Carnegie Mellon.

“There are many opportunities at Tepper for all students, regardless of major. We realize that many at Carnegie Mellon have other difficulties facing them at graduation — issues of social capability or presentability. Not all students can match up to the strapping young men and women of our school,” Dunn said.

“We even hope to consider staff applicants. We have already received several requests from recently canceled majors including anthropology and political science. Our students certainly don’t need education from previously employed faculty in these departments, but perhaps they could alphabetize our books or something,” Dunn added.

Recent 2008 creative writing graduate Katie Fulton took a job with Tepper’s new program after finding that, in times of economic difficulty, few people are looking for new manuscripts. When she heard about the opportunities available within Tepper, she hesitantly applied for one of the positions.

“At first I thought that working at Tepper would have to be a last resort. And then I hit rock-bottom and realized I had to apply,” Fulton said. “Now I spend my days scrubbing those giant photos of smiling graduates. It is a little sickening, sort of like shining the image of what I have failed to become. Actually, exactly like that.”

However, not all see the positions as such dismal alternatives to jobs off campus.

“I love my job,” said 2006 design graduate Steven Hammon. “I have the opportunity to tie the loafers of future CEOs and presidents. I mean, what more could you want? In fact, I hope that they make this position a permanent one, even after the economy changes.”

No word yet on how long Tepper will continue to offer positions to graduates, but all students can be comforted by the fact that, as long as Tepper continues to give diplomas, there will always be the need for a reliable shoe shine.