CMU steroid ring uncovered

Trophies stuffed with pills may or may not have been found. (credit: Trophy Pill Filler) Trophies stuffed with pills may or may not have been found. (credit: Trophy Pill Filler)

A group of students normally known as organized and relatively well behaved, the model student athletes of Carnegie Mellon have been hit by a scandal.

The Carnegie Mellon police department’s excellent sleuthing has recently uncovered a steroid ring within the athletics department that involves most of the varsity sports teams.

Student athletes have sunk to an unethical level in the company of the infamous Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, even at our average-performing Division III school.

Although evidence is still being uncovered, it appears that the culprits were not only involved in several popular sports, but also the men’s curling team and the cheerleading team.

Max Rodriguez, chief of Carnegie Mellon’s police department, released a statement yesterday afternoon. “I didn’t even know we had a curling team,” he said, “but we are still investigating where the drugs came from and how the teams got funding in the first place, considering most, if not all, of alumni donations go to research teaching robots how to blink.”

The second half of the statement released by the police department said, “Disciplinary action will not be pursued in the case of the teams involved.” Upon further investigation, it turns out the teams on average had a winning-to-losing ratio of 1:3.

Susie Baskin, director of athletics, did not respond to any of eight different phone calls from various members from our staff.

A male athlete, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “We were told it was an organic, fair-trade Ceylon cinnamon grounds and flax seed body rub. I’ll admit that the heavenly scent of cinnamon may have distracted me from seeing the ball properly, but steroids? That’s news to me.”

Randomly polled students on campus were also surprised to learn that sports teams even existed, besides the chess and Buggy teams.

For the men’s curling team, disciplinary action is yet to be announced. “They were polled to be seventh of eight teams in the BALCO league, and ended up getting eighth,” Gren Anderson, the temporary double-interim dean of Student Affairs, stated. “As for the other teams, I’m not sure what punishment is appropriate. One team’s season record was 1–17, with the single win being against a team that had to forfeit because their school was snowed in. I think their terrible results are enough of a punishment.”