Personal Ads

Single male Bolshevik seeks single female democratic centrist for GMN, EQP, TYN, XPB, and FPR. Very interested in overthrowing weak provisional governments and ruling the plebeian masses with an iron fist. Also open to merely undermining democratic countries that oppose great and glorious Mother Russia should bride-to-be desire a more stable living environment. Must be capable of breeding heirs for the glorious new republic.

Caucasian female, musical theater major seeks proven heterosexual male with lust for my talent. Requesting a night of culture in my bedroom critiquing YouTube videos of Greek Sing. After a sensible meal and frozen yogurt, if things go well, we can use my Netipot till sunrise. In the morning we’ll warm our vocals up together over my sink… but know your place: no mixing, no Elphaba. Please arrive outside Purnell Center for the Arts 30 minutes prior to the end of my rehearsal, equipped with two contrasting monologues in order for me to analyze your character flaws and the prospective length of this arrangement.

Confused Caucasian male seeks suspicious person from last week’s Crime & Incident to “find himself with.” Prefer to meet under the veil of night somewhere like, but not restricted to: underside of Randy Pausch Bridge, lower level of Gates parking garage (would settle for stadium parking lot), Robotics Institute, Flagstaff Hill between Tech Street and that comfortable ditch, wherever the campus pastries come from, Tepper’s locker rooms, the children’s playground, by the fire alarm in Wean Hall, cellar door by the Frame, Mellon Institute colonnade, or the Purnell bike rack you were caught at a month ago. If none of these locations are convenient, please leave a note in lipstick on my bathroom mirror while I’m away.

Female-lady-woman-girl seeks man-boy for unrealistic amounts of pleasure. Male creature will have to feel it to believe it. You have never seen me in action. It will be extreme. Masculine-sir should be male with man parts. Meet me on the Cut near the CFA steps, where I will sit looking like a feminine person waiting for you, Mr. Dog-man-guy.

Thirty-one-year-old man seeks 29.7-year-old woman for child bearing. Must not be barren. Must be willing to engage in intercourse. Must be willing to make dinner, raise family, clean house. Man not unstable. Man needs long-term plan.

Fifteen-year-old guy who shouldn’t really be in college but I skipped two grades because my mom told me I am special wants to experience life. Has been told that to do this should have “girlfriend.” Has a friend that is a girl but mom said that doesn’t count. Girl should be developed and mature to match the strength of my intellect, which is quite large. But don’t be large in person, I am pretty small, being only 15 and having stunted growth.

Green guy looking for pink gal. You should be flirty, very fierce, and a little plump. Your hair will be blonde and luxurious, your nose a snout. If you didn’t get it: in bed, I’ll be Kermit, you’ll be Miss Piggy. Under the blankets our animalistic muppetty sides will take over.

Once we were in love. Once we were spending every minute together, we would smile, we would stare into each other’s eyes. We were a fairy tale. And then there was that situation with the iron, the Ethernet cable, and your cat, and I can’t apologize enough for what happened, but does it have to end this way?

You made me a drink at Starbucks. I looked into your eyes, three times. You looked back. Your name was Will and I was wearing a green sweatshirt. I have returned to Starbucks each day since then, but it seems you don’t actually work there. This and the Internet both confuse me, thus my missed connection is being written in a spot where personal ads go. Not on Craiglist because I don’t know what that is. Find me.

Husband and wife professor team seeks young attractive graduate student for research. Activities may include: laboratory experimentation, Chatroulette user studies, and long random walks on the beach.

Carnegie Mellon seeks new fraternities. We are a top university hoping to fill our Greek quad with a set of intentionally selected fraternities that are right for our campus environment. Fraternities with foci on vegans, Internet meme-spreading, anti-social behavior, and anything that doesn’t involve parties with alcohol would be just great.

Bar chart seeks line graph to smooth out my corners. Ideally data-rich and chart-junk-light. You will find me on page one where we can cuddle up together above my credit. No pie chart fatties need apply.

Voice major seeks anyone who is willing to stand within 15 feet as I blast showtunes walking through campus. Knowledge of Italian, French, or Latin a plus. Ability to harmonize will be considered upon audition. Male, female, anything with a good noise tolerance is welcome to respond. Auditions for groupies and long-term relationships will be held on sidewalks around campus on the next sunny day.