Former football players declare war, begin battle of the fabrics

There are many reasons why Carnegie Mellon student-athletes quit the Tartan football team. Some quit in order to pursue academic interests; others tire of the long, drawn-out practices.

Whatever the reason may be, these athletes still hold on to the memories of hearing the roar of their 30 fans at Gesling Stadium or lose sleep over the lingering feeling of Coach Makrinos’ saliva on their face. And now, in the spirit of recapturing their former glory, 42 retired football players have organized a new team — the Carnegie Mellon Argyles.

Derek Smaertguy, a former Tartan player and the appointed team leader of the Argyles, has issued this decree: “We, the Carnegie Mellon Argyles, have assembled a group of former CMU football players who have the athletic ability and sculpted pectorals to defeat the Tartans in a game of American football. We therefore challenge the Carnegie Mellon Tartans to a game on Thursday, April 1, at 4:20 p.m. to lay claim to the official title of the school’s football team.”

The statement continues, expressing the Argyles’ demands that if they were to emerge victorious from such a competition, all “Carnegie Mellon football home games would be played exclusively by the Argyles... unless there is homework due the next day.”

School officials are still consulting over the team’s request. When approached for an interview, Tartans head coach Rick Lackner provided no comment.

There has been speculation on all fronts concerning who would coach the Argyles if such a game were to occur. Many names have surfaced, but leading the rumor mill is Assistant Director of Intramurals Mike Grzywinski.

A quick look into Grzywinksi’s professional coaching background reveals that he won NCAA Tournament bracket pools 11 out of 13 years in office, is a closet addict of the popular video game NCAA Football ’10, and had a history of “playing dirty” while he was an intramural athlete.

Grzywinksi has also been seen sporting a pair of argyle socks around campus the past few days, a possible sign of things to come.