Capes on the rise; community proposes population control

Cape children cry in the darkness from the stress of the hunt. (credit: Capturer of Night Elves) Cape children cry in the darkness from the stress of the hunt. (credit: Capturer of Night Elves)

You see them sitting alone on city buses in the early hours of the morning, perched cryptically in the dark corners of the Underground, feasting on their night’s purchase, or even peeking at you from deep within the confusing corridors of Doherty Hall — but who are they, and what is the significance of their beautiful yet seemingly daunting outerwear?

These are the caped crusaders of Carnegie Mellon; they’re here, they’re a force to be feared, and their numbers are quickly increasing. One would be surprised to find out that, in recent years, a significant population of Carnegie Mellon students have decided to get “cloaked.”

But what does this mean for the common Carnegie Mellon student? Do these rising populations pose a threat?
“Their capes may at first appear charming,” local zoologist Yugi Oh said, “but do not be fooled. These creatures are full of unbounded mystery. We have yet to uncover the details on the species or what exactly they’re hiding under those woolly veils.”

“Dangerous” was most certainly an appropriate description when, last Tuesday, a local student was attacked after supposedly getting too close to a caped creature.

“I was just curious,” first-year drama major Biz Natch said. “I had heard so much about the Caped Carnegies, but had never seen one in person. It looked as if it was playing some sort of game on the corner of the Cut, and as I approached, I discovered Magic cards. Apparently, the caped are protective of these paper masterworks. It leaped onto me, and I was drowning in a sea of navy and emerald-green felt.”

In order to prevent incidents like this in the future, some have proposed controlled cape-hunting as an appropriate response. In theory, members of the Carnegie Mellon community would be able to monitor cape populations through recreational game hunting. A smaller cape population would ensure increased safety around campus. This issue, however, has left the campus divided.

Those in favor of the hunt have taken action. “Do not be fwooled by dher twoothy gwins,” said University Police officer Elmer Fuddwugger in a recent address to the Carnegie Mellon community from the steps of Doherty Hall. “The cwoaked cwusaders awe dangewous. I uwge all students to cawwy protection with them at all times. It’s wawlock season.”
However, a large population of students greatly objects to the hunting of capes.

Just last week, protesters gathered at the Fence and began posting signs with the names of their fellow capes who have already been hunted. “This symbolizes the reality of the danger that capes face every day,” senior art major Gee Twentai said. “The violence is so unnecessary. These caped creatures don’t feel as though they’re welcome, and we just want to show them that they have a home here. Here, with us, in our arms.”

Debates over the next steps are expected to continue well into the coming week, so visit www.thetartan.org for continued updates.