I like it on The Tartan

Editorials featured in the Forum section are solely the opinions of their individual authors.

No, really. I like it against stacks of past issues of The Tartan, next to an open window, where the occasional Pittsburgh sun illuminates it ever so clearly, wedged next to a slim copy of Andrew Carnegie’s Gospel of Wealth.

For starters, I don’t like it in one place consistently. One place gets boring. I like to switch it up a bit, too. Depending on my mood and specific function, I like it big at some times and smaller at others. The thing is, I need different sizes for my different needs. Sometimes, I have a lot to do in a day, so I’ll definitely need a big one. Other times, it’s just a quickie, so a small one will do. I also like to try out different textures. I value diversity and believe every woman should have a variety in her arsenal.

Sometimes, my friends and I will go looking for one and admire the range that some stores carry. I’ll always ask the saleswoman questions, because for me personally, how it functions matters to me a lot. I go for ones that work swiftly and aren’t a hassle to take with me everywhere. How it’s shaped matters a lot, too. A nicely shaped one can make or break the experience. I need one whose shape complements my body. And yes, when I come home, I like it on The Tartan. But sometimes I like it on the first flat surface I can find.

A lot of stuff that goes viral doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, and this one made the least sense. I mean, some women said they like it on the washing machine. Who puts their purse on the washing machine? Makes no sense. Not the most stellar example of getting things done efficiently. I like it fast and efficient.

So you’ve just read a bunch of useless double entendres. Are you more aware of breast cancer? How much more have you learned about breast cancer causes, prevention, research, and general awareness than you knew five minutes ago? My point exactly. You could use the aforementioned double entendres to spur you into action against breast cancer.

More likely, though, the buck stops right there after you’ve figured it all out and had a cringe-worthy moment reading some people’s statuses, and then the fuss dies down as October — Breast Cancer Awareness Month, in case you weren’t aware — carries on, and general “awareness” dissipates. Yes, it stops there. But hey, at least a handful of men figured out some new settings on their washing machines. You know, just in case.