Deciphering your gift
Most likely, half the couples out there are going to be gifting each other heart-shaped jewelry boxes, plastic roses, and hot pink pop-up cards. Here’s a guide to what gifts say about the person receiving them and giving them.
A rose: They’re selling them at the UC. What could be easier? Honestly, whoever gets just a rose should be thankful that someone spending sleepless nights at Carnegie Mellon at least made an effort to get something.
Jewelry: A gift of this kind could have either of two meanings: It indicates that the person who receives it is stylish and takes pride in his or her appearance, or that he or she has got a miserable sense of fashion.
Perfume: The smell every day is unbearable. This gift is meant to be put to good use.
Candy: The gift for a glutton. Either that or the person who’s giving the gift is a glutton.
Clothes: The first thing to do when getting gifts of clothes is to make sure they fit. If they do, it indicates that someone really thinks the person is special, and actually took the effort of secretly pulling their T-shirt out of the laundry and checking its size. If the clothes don’t fit... well, the laundry was too gross-looking to touch.
A stuffed teddy bear/dog/cat/turtle/mouse/horse: This is a gift for the romantic and mushy type of person, for those who react with a “O cho chweet a wittle teddy bear holding a wee hearty wearty.” Yes, for those people.
A gift card: This indicates that whoever gifted this really doesn’t know their Valentine. If the giver did, wouldn’t he or she know that the person preferred Forever 21 to GAP?
A black and gold sweater, scarf, hat, and mittens: For the Steelers fan. One should just not expect that signature football that they actually played with at the Super Bowl.
Nothing: These are the “gifts” given by the people who think that the most precious gifts are those that are felt and not seen, it’s the thought of being together that counts.