Everything you need to know

Dear Rachael,

I have a problem. As of today’s date, I have never had a real girlfriend. You know, someone who I actually took places and we would hold hands, mushy stuff like that. And now, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed seeing a lot of my friends in committed relationships. Is this normal? Is it okay that I’m 19 and have never had a real girlfriend? What can I do to rid myself of that fear of being alone forever, never knowing the loving embrace of someone who at the very least can tolerate me? Help!

Scared and Dateless

My Dateless Darling,

It sounds lame, but everything happens for a reason. It may seem like there are oh-so-many people with significant others, frolicking all over campus, grossing out the typical passerby (myself included, of course). But that doesn’t mean everyone is kickin’ it with someone special. You’re in college now, and I think the most important part of college is learning about yourself. Get to know you before you get to know a girl; it will make your life loads easier. You’ll be able to know what you want and what you don’t, what turns you off and what gets you... excited. Life is too short — and if the right girl is around, you two will find each other.

Regarding your all-encompassing fear of loneliness that lasts forever, don’t worry. Things tend to work themselves out. For all I know, you could have a hot girl reading this right now, intrigued by your sensitivity and concern. She might want to jump your bones! And lastly, don’t worry about someone’s ability to tolerate you; I know a lot of ridiculous people, and there’s always at least 18 people whose ability to tolerate exceeds my own.

Besides, at least — in the eternal words of Clueless — you aren’t a virgin who can’t drive. Or are you? I know a few that I could hook you up with....

Don’t fret, pet!

Dear Rachael,

I have a crush on one of my professors. Well, I’m not really sure if it’s him or it’s his brain that I’m attracted to. All I do during lecture is think about going to office hours for some, uh, one-on-one tutelage. I’m also in a long distance relationship, but I can’t seem to help myself. How can I stop lusting after this knowledge provider and start studying my notes again?

—Lusty Cerebral Fiend

Oh Lusty one,

Ah, the eternal professor-student life triangle. Well, less like a triangle and more like two parallel lines. Typically, I think professors should not be off limits if: a) they are not really old, b) they are not married, or c) you don’t have a significant other. Oh wait, you do. Cheater! But, you are a cheater in the most respectable way. I’ve never heard of jealousy over a mental affair, so why don’t you go at it? Talk to him, exchange knowledge, tell him about things that younger people know (unless he’s too old, which is a disqualification under item a). Ask him for some one-on-one tutoring! He can tutor you! Then if your long-away boyfriend asks, just tell him the truth: You were lusting for knowledge. Just try to not take the man’s pants off — that would be inappropriate.

Hail to the cerebellum!