Tartan fantasy football kicks off with week one surprises

With the first week of the season complete, a few things have become obvious within The Tartan’s Fantasy Football League. The first is that if the amount of trash talk this week is any indication, then the shade thrown from league participants this year might surpass the shade thrown by last year’s league. The second is that there is a very good chance I will end this year at the very bottom of the league. The second realization doesn’t have me as surprised as it has me resigned. Regardless, I look forward to bringing sass and a low-level of football knowledge (i.e., no knowledge) to our healthy staff competition. If you are expecting substantive football analysis and predictions then read no further, as you will probably be quite disappointed.

Team Andah over Justin Tucker Must (not) Die 106.3-84.8

Despite my awe-inspiringly clever team name, my fabulous lineup ate dirt this week, especially compared to the high scorers on SciTech Editor and American Football newbie Josh Andah’s team. Andah might know even less than me about football, but clearly his natural talent has surpassed anything heretofore seen by The Tartan staff. With a particularly strong showing from Pittsburgh’s own Antonio Brown with 29.2 points, Andah was able to make up for the fact that he hadn’t removed Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans from his active roster. Mike Evans looks scowly and talented in his picture on the ESPN fantasy site, but it’s hard to be an asset to the roster during a bye week. This small, (though understandable!) snafu on Andah’s part makes my loss even more embarrassing. After disappointing performances from individuals I expected would make me proud like my Boston boy Tom Brady and Pittsburgh running back Le’Veon Bell, I was huffing and puffing around and resigned myself to an embarrassing first week. Shamefully, my most successful performance of the week came from Pierre Garcon, wide receiver for San Francisco, though he only received 14.1 points. Humiliating.

Drop it like it’s Crock over Third-String Team 123.7-99.9

Tartan Publisher Jade Crockem claimed victory over Assistant Sports Editor Marika Yang this week, much to her own glee. Fantasy Football is very familiar territory to Yang, and perhaps some of the allegiances she’s made with players over time will be to the detriment of her own team this week. Her highest scorers were Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan and Oakland Raiders wide receiver Amari Cooper, who both were in the 17 point range. This week was not a humiliating venture on Yang’s part, but she did get her butt whooped pretty substantially by Crockem, who happily reported to me that she had already beat Yang, even before her final team member played on Monday night. Though her offensive weapons put up a fight, the scorers that clinched the win for Crockem actually came from her defensive line (the Carolina Panthers scoring 14 to the Seattle Seahawks’ six) and her kicker (Cowboys’ Dan Bailey scoring 15, Colts’ Adam Vinatieri scoring two). With these performances coming from roster positions that many don’t prioritize, it’s clear that Crockem has game and will be a force to be reckoned with this season. Maybe she can even beat Editor-in-Chief and defending champ India Price, though with what that would do to staff cohesion and their living situation as roommates... it might not be worth the risk.

Yes We Cam over Easy Breesy 98.6-92.8

This was the closest showing this week. Sports Editor Ian Tanaya narrowly lost to aforementioned defending champ Editor-in-Chief India Price. There’s not one area in which Price clearly excelled and Tanaya did not. Moving forward it’s unclear who will have the strategy and persistence necessary to really pull forward, but Tanaya’s sports know-how and competitive attitude might prove to be the combination necessary to create the most formidable opponent in the league.

Plus, if last week’s article is any indication, he can clearly trash talk with the best of them. Buffalo Bills running back LeSean McCoy will be someone for opponents of Tanaya’s team to keep an eye on, though McCoy’s sore groin this week has put him in a more iffy spot. On Price’s team, Ezekiel Elliott, running back for Dallas Cowboys, will continue to be a threat after scoring 19 points this week. If New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr. had scored anything at all instead of zero points, Price would have had substantially more points than Tanaya, so with Price sure to evaluate and move him as needed, it’s possible that she is going to have yet another reliably high-scoring team.

This week my kind-of-sad team is playing Yang, Andah is playing Tanaya, and dynamic duo Crockem and Price are paired together. Hopefully next week’s analysis will elucidate some of the other strengths and weaknesses present on my opponents’ rosters, and I can try to get some semblance of a strategy. My current tactics include examining those with cool names, and judging who I think would be fun to hang out with based on their picture. My goal this season is to grow from using those two characteristics as reference points, and to try to learn more about football strategy. So far, the outlook for this doesn’t look promising.