Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

Have you ever eaten the vegetable fritters from the Tartan Express truck? They’re offered as a side for the mediocre noodle dishes and slightly more mediocre rice bowls, but they’re far more delicious than any of the truck’s main dishes. I’ve been eating there every day for dinner, and I dump the bowls in favor of the two deep-fried, heavenly balls that come with them.

Now I’m running out of money. My budget can’t take much more of the amount of money I’m spending buying dinners for the side dish. But I’ve been eating vegetable fritters for dinner for so long, now, that I feel like I need to subsist on them to survive. I’m addicted.
I’m seriously considering staking out the truck, and stealing all the fritters when they close shop at the end of the day.

How can I combat this addiction?

Hungrily yours,
Fried Rice Isn’t Carried, And Secret Sauce Enveloping Every Dollop Feels Repulsive, but Interesting and Tasty Treats Ever-Replenishing

Dear FRICASSEED FRITTER,

Everyone seems to be writing in about food or restaurants lately. I wonder why that is?

I personally see no problem with hijacking the Tartan Truck and driving it as far as it can take you, starting your own cross-country ramen business, selling your wares for paltry prices to the good, hard-working Americans that don’t have the luxury of even mediocre-quality Asianic noodle and rice dishes, who have gone through their unhappy years of nine-to-fives from the moment they graduated (or didn’t graduate) high school without having ever seen, let alone tasted, an egg roll.

You would be an American hero. And, of course, you’d keep the vegetable fritters to yourself.

But if you really want to kick the fritter habit, you’ll have to find something equally as enticing. If you want to stick to campus eateries (although I’ve no idea why you would), I suggest eating at the hot dog stand for lunch daily — best dogs in the immediate area. If you’d rather stick to vegetarian, you should ... well, no, there’s nothing, really.

Or get off the meal plan and use all the money you save to buy your own food truck,

Evan Kahn