Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

My ex is coming back for Carnival, and she texted me last night asking if I wanted to hang out with her over the weekend. I was planning on being cross-faded out of my mind for my last Carnival — nothing beats fried Oreos and Booth while you’re tripping — but if I say yes, I’m going to have to stay pretty sober, so that I don’t do anything stupid like follow her when I graduate. She lives in Detroit, and I’d rather not end up trying to find a job or internship there.

I mean, are there even any jobs in Detroit?

Flummoxed,
EXpecting Overzealous Debauchery Upon Sight

Dear EX-ODUS,

Why do you need to be sober when you see her? She’ll probably understand, and she’ll probably be pretty plastered, too. If not, well, you hold no obligation to show yourself at your best. So what if you flirt with her unabashedly at a party, then shout that you see a little silhouetto of a man — Scaramouch! Scaramouch! — and ask him to do the fandango? It’s Carnival — anything goes.

If you have attachment issues, it won’t be hard to avoid your ex. There are at least 50 parties you can go to at any point during the weekend; if you know she’s going to one on Beeler, just head to the house across the street.

Or buy all the fried Oreos at Booth eat them at home every night,

Evan Kahn

Dear Evan,

Yesterday, one of my professors spent our entire recitation lecturing us on how to dress for interviews. Her suggestions were trite, and her borderline-offensive tone made everyone pretty uncomfortable. When she used pictures of people in class to illustrate her point, I got up and left out of anger.

How can I best make her feel bad about ruining our recitation?

Irked,
Puked Robustly Out of Unfettered Displeasure, Speculating Lashing Out at Buffoon

Dear PROUD SLOB,

She’s harping on how Carnegie Mellon students dress? She may as well be telling Kanye how to speak at awards ceremonies. It’s futile.

But really, who takes class time away to comment on their students’ appearances, unless they’re distracting from the learning environment? You should complain to the Dean. That’s just plain insulting.

Or put warm taffy on her chair and ruin her Versace dress,
Evan Kahn

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