Pie that’s almost as cold as your heart
If you’ve been following the progression of the cupcakes I’ve written about so far this semester, you’ll probably notice that I’ve now done two different recipes that are appropriate for Valentine’s Day romance. That’s beautiful and food is romantic, but bottom line is I’m single. I’m not going to be sharing yummy cupcakes with anyone, and I know there are plenty of other singles out there in the same place as me. This recipe is for you guys.
The theme of this week’s dessert installment is “eat your feelings.” Some haters may try to tell you that this method isn’t a healthy coping mechanism (those are the same kind of people who tell you not to eat raw cookie dough or cake batter. They don’t know what’s best for you). But Valentine’s Day is not far gone, and I’m here to be an enabler. So my gift to you is a frozen chocolate peanut butter pie — sinfully creamy with the perfect balance of sweetness and richness. As soon as you take a bite, you’ll instantly become so happy that you’ll forget how much it sucks to be single, or your money back, guaranteed!
This pie is also so easy that it’s actually impossible to screw it up. As long as you can stir, you’ll be able to pull it all together in ten minutes and it will be perfect no matter what. This is the perfect recipe for Valentine’s Day. With no possibility of it turning out wrong, you won’t need to feel any worse than you already do about yourself!
Frozen Peanut Butter Pie
2 9-inch Oreo pie crusts
1 8-ounce package of cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup of creamy peanut butter
1/2 cup of powdered sugar
1 16-ounce container of cool whip, thawed
1) First, mix up the cream cheese, peanut butter and powdered sugar until they take on this playdough like consistency. I recommend licking the beaters because yum.
2) Before you do this next part, make absolutely sure that the cool whip is thawed the whole way through or else the texture will be a little lumpy. Now, ideally with a wide rubber spatula, start to fold in the cool whip a little bit at a time. Be a little extra careful with this process. If you rush it then you’ll flop all of the air out of the cool whip and it won’t be as dreamy and fluffy, which would literally be a tragedy.
3) When that’s done, divide the peanut butter dream cloud straight from heaven between the two pie crusts. If you’re feeling especially impatient you can try eating it right away, but you owe it to yourself to let it sit in the freezer for at least an hour, if not more.
4) When it’s frozen, cut out a slice, drizzle it with some chocolate syrup, and maybe a dollop of whipped cream if you’re feeling especially indulgent.
5) Take a bite, taste how perfect it is, and remember that you made that! By the transitive property of dessert, you’re perfect too.
Want to eat your feelings, too, but you’re not into PB pie?
Try these fun ideas:
1) You know those cute little conversation hearts? Chew them up and spit them into the toilet to symbolize the nausea that love causes you to feel.
2) Sit down with some microwave popcorn and a Nicholas Sparks movie. “Treat yo’ self” to some target practice with the protagonists!
3) Doritos are always pretty good, too.