Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I’ve been trying to get a girl to notice me for some time now. I finally got up the courage to ask her to switch with me for April Fool’s, and she said yes, and it was great, but she hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought it would be a first step, something to get our future relationship going, but I haven’t been courageous enough to ask her out since then...

She’s just so much more put together than me. All of her things are always together; her clothes are so colorful while mine are just bland. Is there anything I can do to put myself to her level? I suppose I could speak up a bit more — girls like that, right?

What can I do to get my senpai to notice me?

Begging for company this Valentine’s,

Derelict Weeaboo Efforts at Everlasting Betrothal

Dear DWEEB,

A little-known fact, to my readers: Despite leaving my email at the bottom of this column, no one actually writes in — so I make up questions, then respond to them. This week, however, we have a bona fide personal question from a real student! His name is Howie.

So, from the rather unintelligible inquiry you’ve sent me, Howie — “switch with me for April Fool’s?” What does that even mean? — I’ve gathered that you get most of your dating advice from shoujo manga. Heck, you even talk like the heroine from Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun — which is a fantastic show, readers, please take note.

I’m going to hazard a guess and say that “senpai” probably wants to stay away from anyone who calls her “senpai,” but if you’d rather she believe you’re someone that you’re not, you could go the classic overly-confident-a**hole route, and when she rejects you, show her that sensitive side that no one else is privileged enough to see. She’ll fall for you then and there! Or that might be another shoujo manga stereotype. Who knows?

Even if this does work — which it won’t — you still won’t have revealed your true weeaboo nature. If the girl you like is prone to wearing colored, cat-eye contact lenses and consistently quotes The Irregular at Magic High School or Fruits Basket, then maybe you have a chance.

Or just write a love letter to your favorite disproportionately breasted anime character,

Evan Kahn

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.