This edition is archived.

Pirates owner Nutting invents time machine, ruins baseball history

In a move not even science could predict, Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting revealed last Friday why he wasn't spending any significant money on improving the team.

Gossip Geek at CMU

Spotted: The CW announcing their latest project, Gossip Geek.



Statistically Speaking

Last Week President Obama flip-flopped once again and decided to send humans to Mars. But instead of sending astronauts, he is going to send death panels.

University plans update to post-emergency reminder system

University officials announced a new version of the emergency notification system — aptly titled Alert Later — which will enhance the system by adding longer delays.

Tepper launches new program for those in need

With an attitude of benevolence that seems out of character for a group of individuals raking in billions of dollars annually Tepper is now offering opportunities for those who are less fortunate.

Plan for permanent tents pitched by university administration

Last Tuesday, Kelly Coleman, director of Alternative Campus Housing, announced that the university has decided to erect permanent tents.

CMU steroid ring uncovered

The Carnegie Mellon police department’s excellent sleuthing has recently uncovered a steroid ring within the athletics department that involves most of the varsity sports teams.

Capes on the rise; community proposes population control

These are the caped crusaders of Carnegie Mellon; they’re here, they’re a force to be feared, and their numbers are quickly increasing.

Spray-chalked mobots caught wandering through campus

University Police are currently investigating an incident of robot cruelty after nine defaced mobots were found scattered around campus. Sad.

Former football players declare war, begin battle of the fabrics

Now, in the spirit of recapturing their former glory, 42 retired football players have organized a new team — the Carnegie Mellon Argyles.

Personal Ads

Personal ads of great variety: there is someone for everyone (except me).

Cabin on the Cut revealed as silent memorial to architects

The collective stress of CFA has formed a quantum spiritual-magnetic connection to a crypt that had been forgotten since the days of Andrew Carnegie.

Doomsday Clock becomes digital

To account for the rise in world destruction pre-planning, scientists have renovated the design of the Doomsday Clock, into the digital era of today.

Recession hits Oxford comma dies

Theres no punctuation

NSF cancels all grant allocations

The NSF announced that it would not be allowing applications for any grants for 2011.

Sonic wave thing occurs, campus glass shatters

The administration declined to comment.

A note from your scandalous editor

Dear children and elders, This week, we at The Tartan have spent some time creating an issue in honor of April Fool’s Day. It contains many things,...

Department of Organized Relationships to open doors in fall

You can expect to see a lot less ogling and drooling and a whole lot more awkward first dates and hand-holding across campus.

Barbie finds work doing odd jobs: tutoring, selling her body

If you saw her you would never guess.

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