Everything you need to know

Dear Rachael,

I just had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. My little sisters (18 and 16... okay, not so little) have always asked me if I’ve had sex and I’ve always told them no, because I haven’t, but what do I tell them now? My maternal (gah) instincts toward them are kicking in, taking over my cool-older-sister instincts. I don’t want to be maternal, I’m too young, but I don’t want them to start having sex just cause I did!

—Sexed and Concerned

Hello Sexpot,

What’s with all the sex and relationship questions lately? Spring hormones got you on the up and up? Anywho, congrats on the sex, I hope it was worth it, since now you’ve got this here issue on your hands. I’m sure it was. Really. A lot.

So look, it’s not your responsibility to call them up and tell them “Hello lasses, I just sexed for the first time.” But if they ask you, you shouldn’t lie to them. And if you think they’re going to start having sex just because you started having sex — which they probably won’t, assuming they have a little bit of sense — you can give them a brief and concise speech on the nature of sexual relations, age, and the responsibilities of a cool older sister. Or you can buy them a book.

Have a merry life,

—Rachael

Dear Rachael,

I’m never going to find a significant other. The last four years have shown that I’ll be growing up old, and alone, and then I’ll die, old, and alone. Every time I kind of like a girl, or want to tap that ass, she has a boyfriend or she’s a girl-douche. What the hell? I know it’s lame to care about this, but I’ve got to carry my family name or something. What do I do?

—Senior Sucker

Dear Suckface,

First of all, you are a little bit lame, but acceptance is the last step of grief, isn’t it? Second of all, you said “tap that ass”: and I appreciate you for that. If you continue with such vulgarity, maybe you’ll have better luck — and you can decide for yourself if that sentence is laced with sarcasm or just plain ole’ truth.

But most importantly, must I remind you that you attend Carnegie Mellon? Are you forgetting the significance of that? Most of the lads and lasses I know that have found some sort of satisfaction (deluded or real) in relations with their boos (temporary or long term) have looked outside of Carnegie Mellon. We have a pretty small community here, but there’s Pitt, and all those other colleges. Get out of your bubble. Burst that thang.

Keep it gangsta,

—Rachael