V-Day or D-Day?

It is true that Valentine’s Day cannot compete with more graceful holidays (Administrative Professional’s Day? Arbor Day? How could it compete?), but for the rare person, V-Day is a standard excuse for dates, flowers, and candy. And inevitably, those choice few know that there is a fine line between V-Day and D-Day. Read on for some indicators on how to tell a dream date from a dud.

That bouquet of flowers is made of dandelions. And grass. It’s winter here, so there won’t be too many dandelions around — so you have to realize that they were special ordered. But even if they were special ordered from the coasts of Valencia, you also have to realize that the dinner that follows may be from Stouffer’s. Say no.

Your woman-date is rockin’ a beehive. This hair means trouble. Yes, Amy Winehouse has recently collected the pieces of her life (she’s in rehab; she got that gaping hole in her mouth filled with an actual tooth), but that took her long enough. Just think about whether you’d be embarrassed if the Internet erupted with a video of your girl smoking crack or photos of her wandering the streets in her only bra.

Your man-date is rockin’ a beehive. Must I explain? You are only asking for trouble.

When your sweetheart calls to schedule your date, he or she starts with “We need to talk.” How could you not know what follows those infamous words? Everyone uses them — to reveal that she’s pregnant, he’s prematurely proposing or he or she is ready to split. On Valentine’s Day. Romance at its finest, eh?

Your sweet love is a student at Carnegie Mellon. Okay, so this is very general; but chances are, homework will consume your date and there will be no time for Valentine dotings and gift-giving. Unless you want him or her to flunk out, then the night will go on.

It’s that night, and just you with a bottle of booze. (You’re 21 or over.) Drinking alone is hardly ever permissible. At least join some other single people and drink up; that way, you can still get some bonding in.

Your date would rather watch Lost than get with you. On second thought, this might be a good thing. To be distracted from good television is to disturb one’s deepest moral values. There’s always time within the commercials.

You aren’t your Valentine’s only date. True, this suggests that your date is a pimp or a sugar daddy, both of which are to be respected. But don’t assume you are safe; with so many dates, that inevitably leads to a venereal disease. See below.

Your date’s gift to you is a venereal disease. Seriously! Of course, you won’t find this gift until after Valentine’s Day, but it will certainly be a surprise — a surprise party in your pants! Be warned of all of the infamous STDs and learn how to spell them. Hint: Chlamydia doesn’t begin with a “K.”

And if you don’t have a date (or booze, or friends), remember that for many people Feb. 14 is just another day of the week. Treat yourself with delicious things and a season of one of your favorite TV shows, and maybe a side of major celebrity gossip. Lindsay Lohan is having a worse time than you, I bet.