Best kept secrets of the opposite sex

GIRLS

1. We fart.
It’s true. No man will witness this embarrassing phenomenon until marriage. We are human and subject to some unbecoming features. We will never let one “rip” in front of a guy or high-five and buy a round to celebrate; we are flatulence’s overlooked victims. There, I said it.

2. We don’t find high maintenance attractive.
A guy who shows no concern about his appearance isn’t appealing, but spending oodles of time prepping for a date is unattractive. Going to the tanning bed may make you feel better about the stud in the mirror, but good luck finding a girl who won’t laugh when she finds your Buy-Ten-Minutes-Get-Three-Minutes-Free card. You wear the pants, we’ll wear the lip gloss.

3. We appreciate chivalry.
Nothing serves as a better display of politeness and respect than opening a door for a girl. Not only does chivalry convey a respect for women in general, it shows that you hold her in high regard. A guy shouldn’t feel obligated to lay his waistcoat across a puddle and help his date into the carriage, but opening the car door speaks louder than sweet nothings.

4. We eat a lot. A LOT.
Gorging oneself is taboo because of the ideal, thin bodies in magazines and on television. Ask any girl about her eating habits and she will likely be reluctant to divulge, but the reality is we love food almost as much as we love Jude Law. We eat French fries and pizza, but tend to let self-consciousness hold us back. No, females are not equipped with a salad-craving gene, and most of us love food, but until we dethrone Gisele Bundchen and the staple bikini model on the dorm-room walls of male college students, we’ll have the salad... and a diet Coke.

5. We’ve practiced our signature using our first name and your last name.
Or at least “tried on” your last name. Unlike with shoes, however, we don’t immediately toss away a combination that sounds worse than Apple Paltrow, nor do we have tangible, concrete expectations of impending wedding bliss. Tantamount to trying on an outfit that looks noticeably unfitting or heinous, the fun lies in satiating idle curiosity. Don’t panic.

6. We don't care if she’s “just your friend.”
Until you can produce legal evidence that that girl is indeed your cousin, we are prone to assume that infidelity-related mischief is afoot. Chalk it up to insecurity or paranoia, I can’t imagine any girl completely at ease with the thought of her boyfriend spending excessive time alone with another girl. This doesn’t mean we want a monopoly on your social lives or demand that you worship the ground we walk on, but that we enjoy any reminder of your fidelity.

7. We like sincere compliments.
“Nice rack” does not count. A simple acknowledgement of what we find important can easily brighten a girl’s day. Say you’re dating a girl with a keen eye for fashion — telling her that you find her outfit eye-catching can fix a bad day and gain you easy brownie points.

8. We don’t always want a relationship.
Not all girls live and die by the exclusive-relationship-or-nothing-at-all ultimatum. As college students, we are all embracing sexual freedom, and more people are aware of the benefits of playing the field. With serious relationships come trade-offs, and with plenty of time to spare before we have to start acting like adults, casual dating can be very exciting and just as fulfilling as a relationship.

9. We could describe every photo of you on Facebook, in order of date.
Just like some people keep tabs on their significant others by phone bombardment, Facebook provides a window into the male-female interactions that albums document — it really has taught all of us a behave-or-be-blackmailed mentality, and even the most innocuous photo of a certain guy groping another girl mid-keg stand can send a confusing message to the determined spy.

10. We don’t care how much you can bench press.
The alpha-male obsession with the gym perplexes me, and nothing ruins a conversation faster than a guy talking up his biceps, quads, lats, or other four- to five-letter abbreviated muscle group. Taking pride in one’s body is one thing, but allotting more attention to your six-pack than to a girl who shows interest in you is about as tasteful as Hulk Hogan’s daughter.

GUYS

1. We are sexual beings.
There’s a common statistic that says “guys think about sex every four seconds.” This is not true. We can go substantial amounts of time without thinking anything sexual. However, it is in our nature and testosterone to be sex-driven. Sometimes it’s hard not to listen to that.

2. We aren’t all pretty boys, but...
We worry more about our appearance than we like to let on. I’m not talking about the obviously narcissistic guys — even the ones that don’t try to look like Abercrombie models probably worry about their appearances more than you’d think. Giving a guy a compliment about something physical, other than the obvious, is always appreciated.

3. We are assholes.
If a guy intentionally hurts you physically, he is not sorry, even if he says he is. It’s not okay and guys know that. The media often mixes sex and violence, but any guy in his right mind knows it’s not real. He has power issues that would take years of psychotherapy to treat. Get out now. You will find someone better.

4. Durr...
Most of the time we’re not just “acting” stupid... we really are that dense in terms of common sense and the “signals” girls give us. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care; we just need little pushes in the right direction.

5. We really do have one-track minds.
It’s not always the same thing, but it’s very hard for us to multitask. Once a guy starts something, he has to see it through to completion. If a guy seems to be forgetting things all the time, maybe he just needs to hear it differently. Teach him to pay attention to detail.

6. We’re not always loud.
Quiet evenings and talking can be fun. If a guy who doesn’t usually talk about himself starts spilling stuff to you, you should listen. Not to remember what he’s saying, but because it’s something rare. On the other hand, there are those guys who talk about nothing but themselves. Don’t let them think that’s okay by pretending to listen.

7. We are assholes.
A guy who is full of himself is just using you as a tool to support his own vanity.

8. We are diverse in our sexual know-how.
It may surprise you who’s great in bed and who’s still learning. This can be a touchy subject. If he’s doing something wrong, let him know. He’ll appreciate it (and so — in turn — will you).

9. We are emotional, and we don’t know how to feel about that.
Guys aren’t built with a strong emotional foundation, and are often raised to suppress the few emotions they have. It’s becoming acceptable for males to share these emotions, but if a guy is always whining to you about the same things, he’s confused. There’s something else bothering him. Either help him try to figure out what’s wrong or give him a reality check (e.g. “Maybe we just aren’t right for each other.”).

10. We are expansive thinkers.
One of the greatest talents guys are born with is making abstract connections between things (because of the increased white matter in the brain). While this is what allows him to think cars are “sexy,” it can allow for more interesting (to you as a girl) pursuits as well. Be careful when teasing a guy about something he’s created, or anything that’s come out of his mind. We’re raised to think this is not manly, so when it happens we shouldn’t be shot down.